看孩子的短信到底好不好

Question:

问:

I have a 13-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. They are both going to get smartphones this summer. Neither has a social media account at the moment. I'm really struggling with what the "rules" about reading their texts should be. I know I'm their mom, and I want to keep them safe, but they're good kids, good students, and it feels like an invasion of privacy. What about when my son has a girlfriend?? Would love your (and your kids'!) thoughts on how parents can enforce boundaries and ensure safety without feeling like a power-thirsty KGB agent? Thanks.

我有个13岁的儿子，还有个11岁的女儿。今夏，他们都将拥有智能手机了。目前为止，他们都还没有社交媒体账户。我十分纠结，纠结关于看他们短信应该有什么"规则"。我知道我是他们的母亲，我想让他们安全，但他们都是好孩子、好学生，看他们的短信好像侵犯了他们的隐私。如果我的儿子有女朋友了又该怎么办呢？关于父母如何明确界限、确保孩子们的安全，并且不会感觉自己像是渴求权利的克格勃特工这一点，我想听听您（以及您孩子）的看法。谢谢！

Answer:

答：

Honestly, I can predict some of how my kids will respond to various issues: I knew they would bristle at the word "rules" in your question (they did), and I knew they would be appalled over the potential invasion of privacy (they were). But what they both immediately resented was the near-parenthetical mention of the fact that these are good kids. "I'm sorry," the 17-year-old said, "but that's kind of the main thing. They're good kids. Reward them for that. If they don't give you reason for concern, then don't be concerned just because you feel like you're supposed to be."

说实话，我能预测出孩子们对各种问题的一些反应：我知道他们会对你问题中的"规则"一词表示不满（他们也的确这样表示了），我知道他们会对潜在的隐私侵犯一事鼓掌（的确如此）。但他们对近乎题外话的提到他们是好孩子的这一事实立刻表达了不满。"对不起，"17岁的孩子说道，"但这是一件很重要的事情。他们是好孩子。应该为此奖励他们。如果他们没有给你造成困扰，那就不要因为自以为觉得应该要怎么样而忧心忡忡。"

The 14-year-old feels similarly that the main issue is character - "What we called the 'pillars of behavior' in fourth grade. Not rules about specific things, but guidelines for how to be in the world. If they're nice and kind and safe, then that's how they're going to be on social media too."

14岁的孩子也同样认为主要的问题就是性格--"也就是我们所说的四年级的'行为支柱'。不是关于具体事情的规则，而是关于如何在世界生存的指导。如果他们很好、心善而且安全，那么他们在社交媒体上的表现也会如此。"

I'm with them on this: you don't have to follow the generic parenting script about generic kids. These are your kids, whom you know; they are not going to get phones and turn into Damien from Omen III or a prostitute.

我和他们在这一点上的看法相同：你不需要遵循一般孩子的一般育儿守则。他们是你的孩子，是你熟知的人啊；他们不会拿到手机就变成《凶兆3》里面的达米恩或是妓女的。

But there are other issues here that must be reckoned with, good kids or no. One is that social media is addictive, and kids - people in general - do not tend to be the best arbiters of their addiction. That is, despite how furious my own kids have been about rules, we did make some rules about phone use when 17 first got his, because look - it's a phone.

但有些其它问题是不能忽视的，不管他们是不是好孩子。其一，社交媒体是会让人上瘾的，孩子--一般人--往往不会对自己的上瘾做出最好的裁决。也就是说，不管我们的孩子对规则有多么愤怒，当17岁的孩子第一次拿到他的手机时，我们就制定了一些关于使用手机的规则，因为那毕竟是手机啊！