情感时空:他为什么不给你打电话?

It's the new riddle of the Sphinx: “Why didn’t he call me back?” You have a great first date with a promising guy. You think it went well and expect to see him again… but then poof! He vanishes inexplicably. You sit around with your girlfriends and debate why he didn’t call you back. What happened in between “I’ll pick you up at 8pm” and “poof?” You speculate, you obsess, you rationalize, you justify. You want to know why. When your friends tell you, “It’s not you, it’s him,” you want to know if they’re trying to be nice or telling you the truth.

“他为什么不给我打电话呢？”这可是一个难解之谜哦。他是个好小伙，你们俩的第一次约会也十分美满，你很想跟他继续交往下去，可是……他却“噗”的一声人间蒸发了，真是莫名其妙呀。你跟你的闺蜜们聚在一起，争论着他不给你打电话的原因——在他决定说出“八点钟我来接你”和“噗”的一下消失之间到底发生了什么事？你们想啊，猜啊，推理啊，判断啊，就是想把原因弄个明明白白。可是到最后，朋友们对你说“不是你的错，是他不好”的时候，你却不知道她们是在安慰你呢，还是说的实话。

Guess what? There is someone who does know the truth about what really happened on your date. But it’s not you. It’s not your friends. And it’s certainly not your mother. It’s the guy you went out with. So I decided to ask him for you! In fact, I asked 1,000 “hims.” During the past ten years as a dating coach and matchmaker, I conducted “exit interviews” with 1,000 single guys to find out why you never heard from him again after a date, or after he flirted with you online or at a party. And I got some real answers. It turns out there are clear, consistent reasons why men show initial interest and then disappear. Sure, sometimes the issue is all his—who hasn’t gone out occasionally with a real jerk? But it turns out that many times we’re sending out signals we might not be aware of. And the good news is that most of these signals are easy to fine-tune.

你想不到吧，的确有人知道事件的真相，可是这个人不是你，不是你的朋友，当然也不是你的老妈，他就是另一个当事人——跟你约会的那个家伙；所以我决定替你亲自“审问”他。呃，事实上，我审问了1000个“他”；在过去的十年里，身为一个约会指导师兼红娘，我总共对1000名单身小伙作过“分手后的调查”，目的就是找出其中缘故——为什么他会在初次约会之后就杳无音信、为什么他在网上或者聚会上给你送了一吨“秋波”之后却没了人影儿。我查到了很多真相，在男人们先是热情如火、接着却偃旗息鼓的背后，确实存在着清晰且一致的理由。有时候的确是对方脑子进水了，那种约会中的“傻X”男人，女人们都或多或少遇到过；但另一些时候，是咱们自己没注意，给他发送出去的是错误的“信号”。令人欣慰的是，这些误会是很容易纠正过来的。

Men essentially confessed that when they first meet you, they have several “female stereotypes” floating around in their mind. They quickly try to peg which stereotype you are and then look for evidence to back up their hunch. You know who you are deep down, but he doesn’t yet. So he will decide whether to call you again based on his perception of you, not the reality. In the early stage of dating, perception is reality. Here are three of the most common reasons men revealed why they aren’t calling women back (get the other 7 reasons - and what you can do about all of them - in my new book).

男士们都承认，在初次见面之前，他们早就在脑海中将女人分了几个类型，接着他们会迅速地将你归类，然后在约会中寻觅各种信息、信号，来证明他们的预想。你了解自己，可他不了解啊，所以他就根据对你的印象、而不是你的“真我”来决定是否再次约你、跟你交往下去。在两人约会的初期，男人是把“直觉中的你”当做“真的你”来对待了。下面列出的是三个最常见的原因，导致了男人的急流勇退（其余七条以及应对措施，请参看拙著）。

Reason #1: The Boss Lady
理由一、女强人

His perception: He’d rather hire you than date you. He perceives you as argumentative, controlling, overly independent, and not feminine or warm. While you think he’s intimidated by your success, he’s thinks you have a prickly attitude and imagines that snuggling with you is like hugging a porcupine in a pin-striped business suit!

、他的感觉：“聘用她来工作也许挺好的，可跟她约会太难受了。她爱抬杠、控制欲很强、过于独立、没有女人味、冷冰冰的。”你觉得他可能是被你的优秀吓到了，其实他想的是：“她浑身都是刺儿，抱她就像抱着一只穿着条纹职业装的豪猪。”

Your reality: You’re confident, forthright and successful, but he can’t yet see those great qualities behind your tough demeanor. Try showing your warm, sensitive side first by talking about your adorable nephew or your volunteer work at the animal rescue shelter. And definitely change clothes after work into a flirty skirt instead of staying in that power business suit.

真实的你：你是一个自信、直率、成功的女人，可是他怎么可能看见你强势外表之下的这些优秀品质呢。约会的时候不妨聊聊你可爱的小侄子，或谈谈你在动物收容所的志愿者工作，以此展现你女性温柔细腻的一面。记得下班后就不要继续穿着正经的职业装了，换成休闲款的裙子吧。

重点单词查看全部解释obsess[əb'ses]

想一想再看

v. （使）牵挂，（使）惦念，（使）着迷，（使）困扰

priority[prai'ɔriti]

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n. 优先权，优先顺序，优先

stereotype['steriətaip]

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n. 铅版，陈腔滥调，老一套
vt. 使用铅版

deflated

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adj. 灰心丧气的，泄气的 动词deflate的过去式

联想记忆X单词deflated联想记忆：
deflate（v 放气）；flat根：气

hunch[hʌntʃ]

想一想再看

n. 肉峰，预感，块 v. 弯腰驼背，弓起背部，耸肩

initiative[i'niʃətiv]

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adj. 创始的，初步的，自发的
n. 第一步

联想记忆X单词initiative联想记忆：
in进入+it+iate→开始；开创+ive→起步的,原动力

justify['dʒʌstifai]

想一想再看

vt. 替 ... 辩护，证明 ... 正当

联想记忆X单词justify联想记忆：
源于：just（adj 正义的；公正的）

jaded['dʒeidid]

想一想再看

adj. 疲倦不堪的，厌倦的

联想记忆X单词jaded联想记忆：
源于：jade（n 疲惫的老母马；v 使疲倦）ja假，de的：作假的东西销路好所以过度劳累的。

superficial[:pə'fiʃəl]

想一想再看

adj. 表面的，肤浅的

联想记忆X单词superficial联想记忆：
super，fic做，ial－在上面做－表面的

consistent[kən'sistənt]

想一想再看

adj. 始终如一的，一致的，坚持的

联想记忆X单词consistent联想记忆：
con共同，sist站－一堆士兵站成一排－前后一致的con共同，sistent＝sister：双胞胎姐妹的想法总是：前后一致的

Reason #2: The Park Avenue Princess
理由二、娇贵女

His perception: You’re looking for a “Perfect 10”: the guy’s who’s a 5 on the looks scale with $5 million in the bank. He thinks you’re high maintenance, superficial, or a gold-digger.

他的感觉：“她要找的是一个完美的男人，既要英俊，又要多金。这个女人贪图享受、爱慕虚荣、难养活、肤浅，要么就是一个出来钓金龟婿的。”

Your reality:You can take care of yourself. You enjoy spending what you make. Maybe you’re interested in a nice lifestyle, though it’s not your only priority. But he’s jaded by all the gold-diggers he dated before you (you’re guilty until proven innocent). So instead of asking him “What’s your favorite hotel in St. Bart’s?” you should ask “What’s your favorite little neighborhood café?” When the waiter inquires whether you’d like tap or bottled, don’t order the Evian; one glass of city water (almost) never killed anyone! {Tip: squeeze a little lemon in your glass…}

真实的你：你能养活自己，还活得挺好。你能挣，也能花。也许你就是享受优越的生活方式，尽管这种高档生活并非你的唯一追求。但是他在跟你约会之前，已经被那些为了钱而与男人交往的女人纠缠得疲惫不堪，很怕你也是这种人（没办法，在你证明自己“不是”之前，他就是这样认为的）。所以，在谈话的时候，别问他“你在圣巴特岛（世界顶级奢华度假胜地）度假的时候，喜欢住哪家酒店？”不如打听一下“附近的咖啡屋哪个好一点？”当侍者问你要喝什么水的时候，别点依云（法国天然矿泉水）了，喝杯自来水毒不死人的（小窍门：往里面挤一点柠檬汁味道就好多了）。

重点单词查看全部解释obsess[əb'ses]

想一想再看

v. （使）牵挂，（使）惦念，（使）着迷，（使）困扰

priority[prai'ɔriti]

想一想再看

n. 优先权，优先顺序，优先

stereotype['steriətaip]

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n. 铅版，陈腔滥调，老一套
vt. 使用铅版

deflated

想一想再看

adj. 灰心丧气的，泄气的 动词deflate的过去式

联想记忆X单词deflated联想记忆：
deflate（v 放气）；flat根：气

hunch[hʌntʃ]

想一想再看

n. 肉峰，预感，块 v. 弯腰驼背，弓起背部，耸肩

initiative[i'niʃətiv]

想一想再看

adj. 创始的，初步的，自发的
n. 第一步

联想记忆X单词initiative联想记忆：
in进入+it+iate→开始；开创+ive→起步的,原动力

justify['dʒʌstifai]

想一想再看

vt. 替 ... 辩护，证明 ... 正当

联想记忆X单词justify联想记忆：
源于：just（adj 正义的；公正的）

jaded['dʒeidid]

想一想再看

adj. 疲倦不堪的，厌倦的

联想记忆X单词jaded联想记忆：
源于：jade（n 疲惫的老母马；v 使疲倦）ja假，de的：作假的东西销路好所以过度劳累的。

superficial[:pə'fiʃəl]

想一想再看

adj. 表面的，肤浅的

联想记忆X单词superficial联想记忆：
super，fic做，ial－在上面做－表面的

consistent[kən'sistənt]

想一想再看

adj. 始终如一的，一致的，坚持的

联想记忆X单词consistent联想记忆：
con共同，sist站－一堆士兵站成一排－前后一致的con共同，sistent＝sister：双胞胎姐妹的想法总是：前后一致的

Reason #3: The Sadie Hawkins
理由三、太主动的女人

His perception: You’re pursuing him. You sent him a thank-you email after your date, and immediately he knew you liked him. He may even think you’re a little desperate. Deep down, he feels deflated because when he likes a woman, he’d rather do the chasing.

他的感觉：“这个女人是要追我吗，约会刚结束，她就发来邮件表示感谢，她是喜欢上我了。她是不是有点赖上我的意思啊，太没劲了，女人是要男人追的，哪能倒贴啊。”

Your reality: That thank-you email was a show of good manners, not a subtle hint for him to ask you out again. At work you’re rewarded for taking initiative, but with guys you have to let them reach out first. Don’t say, “Let’s do this again sometime”—that’s his line. This is one time in your empowered, take-charge life when you have to sit back and wait after a first date—do absolutely nothing to follow-up (don’t even check to see if he’s logged into his online dating profile). He’s a big boy and knows how to contact you if he’s interested.

真实的你：你写这封邮件只是出于礼貌，并非给他一个暗示“我想再次约你”。在职场上需要处处保持主动，情场上可别这样做。你要让他主动，你别去安排约会的事，那是他要做的。一直以来你都习惯了掌控一切、事事负责，开始约会了就不要这样了，你只要乖乖地坐着，什么都不用做，对他言听计从就行啦（甚至不要关心他的日程安排里有没有你们的约会事项）。他是个男人，不是小孩子，如果对你有意，总有办法找你的。

I truly believe it’s not that “good” guys don’t exist, but rather that simple (mis)perceptions—which can be easily tweaked once you’re aware of them—are standing in Cupid’s way. Which stereotype do you think men might be labeling you? There’s only one way to find out: learn how to conduct your own personal “exit interviews!” at

我相信，好小伙子总是有的，可是你们的姻缘被那点误会挡住了；其实，只要你稍稍留意，这种事是可以避免的。那么，在那些放弃了你的男人心中，你究竟属于哪种女人呢？来网站看看吧，你会找到答案的。

重点单词查看全部解释obsess[əb'ses]

想一想再看

v. （使）牵挂，（使）惦念，（使）着迷，（使）困扰

priority[prai'ɔriti]

想一想再看

n. 优先权，优先顺序，优先

stereotype['steriətaip]

想一想再看

n. 铅版，陈腔滥调，老一套
vt. 使用铅版

deflated

想一想再看

adj. 灰心丧气的，泄气的 动词deflate的过去式

联想记忆X单词deflated联想记忆：
deflate（v 放气）；flat根：气

hunch[hʌntʃ]

想一想再看

n. 肉峰，预感，块 v. 弯腰驼背，弓起背部，耸肩

initiative[i'niʃətiv]

想一想再看

adj. 创始的，初步的，自发的
n. 第一步

联想记忆X单词initiative联想记忆：
in进入+it+iate→开始；开创+ive→起步的,原动力

justify['dʒʌstifai]

想一想再看

vt. 替 ... 辩护，证明 ... 正当

联想记忆X单词justify联想记忆：
源于：just（adj 正义的；公正的）

jaded['dʒeidid]

想一想再看

adj. 疲倦不堪的，厌倦的

联想记忆X单词jaded联想记忆：
源于：jade（n 疲惫的老母马；v 使疲倦）ja假，de的：作假的东西销路好所以过度劳累的。

superficial[:pə'fiʃəl]

想一想再看

adj. 表面的，肤浅的

联想记忆X单词superficial联想记忆：
super，fic做，ial－在上面做－表面的

consistent[kən'sistənt]

想一想再看

adj. 始终如一的，一致的，坚持的

联想记忆X单词consistent联想记忆：
con共同，sist站－一堆士兵站成一排－前后一致的con共同，sistent＝sister：双胞胎姐妹的想法总是：前后一致的