我完全不知道,丈夫居然在对我施暴

THE BEGINNING: "CHILDREN WERE NOT PART OF OUR PLAN"

一开始："我们没打算要孩子"

The day the test came back with two blue stripes, I put on my jeans and The Flicks T-shirt - the one with Alfred Hitchcock on the back - and drove to work. The Flicks was an indie movie house, and I worked there with artsy types who had lines of poetry tattooed on their forearms, dyed hair, and Converse sneakers. We wanted to make art. Children were not a part of our collective plan.

那天，我用验孕棒做了测试，测试结果：两条蓝色的杠。我穿上牛仔裤和The FlicksT恤--背后是阿尔弗雷德·希区柯克的照片--开车去上班了。The Flicks是一家独立影院，我在那儿工作，和一帮艺术家打交道，他们的前臂纹有几行诗、头发染过色、穿匡威运动鞋。我们想创作艺术。孩子不在我们的集体计划之中。

That morning I strode through the kitchen - past the assistant manager who was making curried sweet potato soup over the large gas range - stood before the espresso machine, turned the machine on to make a latte, and stopped.

那天早晨，我走过厨房--经过正在用煤气灶煮咖喱红薯汤的副经理身边，来到咖啡机前，打开咖啡机制作拿铁，然后我停了下来。

I didn't know if I could drink coffee. Coffee might be poison now. I listened to the whirring of the espresso grinder, the machine grinding the beans into fragments. I'm not ready, I mouthed.

我不知道自己能不能喝咖啡。或许，现在喝咖啡无异于喝毒药。我听着咖啡机转动的声音，闻着咖啡机研磨咖啡豆散发出香味。我还没准备好，我喃喃道。

A couple of weeks earlier, while we were sitting on my couch talking, my boyfriend Caleb's face suddenly started to flush. He looked down and brushed his hand over his head, which I knew meant he was feeling nervous or insecure. He looked up quickly and blurted out, "Kelly, I want to marry you."

几周前，当我们坐在沙发上聊天的时候，男朋友Caleb的脸突然开始变红。他低了低头，用手捂着他的头，我知道这是他紧张或不安的表现。他快速抬头，脱口而出道："凯丽，我想和你结婚。"

I sat stunned. It wasn't a proposal as much as a declaration. We had only been together for five months, and because Caleb lived in the woods, we had only seen each other a few times a week. Twice, he had panicked and disappeared for a week or longer. The first time, I wrote his absence off to jitters. The second time, I called and left a message on his cell phone: "If you are interested in a relationship with me, you will call me today, and you will continue to call me on a regular basis. If not, then this is goodbye."

我惊呆了。这一点都不像求婚，倒像是宣告一样。我们才谈了5个月，因为Caleb住在树林里，所以我们每周只见面几次。有两次，他惊慌失措，消失了一周以上的时间。第一次，我以为他是因为不安才离开的。第二次，我给他打了电话，留了语音信息："如果你想和我谈恋爱，就今天给我回个电话，然后你就可以定期和我打电话了。如果没兴趣，那就再见。"

He called almost immediately, and then showed up at my apartment that evening, his face and posture apologetic. He wasn't willing to lose me, he said. He knew that now.

他立马打来电话，那天晚上出现在我的公寓门口，他满脸抱歉。他不愿失去我，他说。他现在知道了。

Our relationship hadn't been romantic or blissful, but in the moment after he had declared he wanted to marry me, all I could remember were the blissful parts. I looked into his wide blue eyes and remembered lying on that beige couch while he played his guitar and sang "Pale Blue Eyes."

我们的恋情并不浪漫、也不幸福，但在他宣布想和我结婚的那一刻，我记得的只有我们幸福的时刻。我看向他大大的蓝色眼睛，想起了他躺在米白色的沙发上弹着吉他唱着"暗淡的蓝色眼睛"时的情景。